Thank you to all the readers who gave me feedback after reading The Marshmallow Theory.
The most surprising feedback came from older men, those who had been married for more than ten years. Many of them mentioned that my book addressed the plight of young couples starting out in relationships to ensure they had a healthy sex life throughout their marriage. But, the question they asked was please could I include something in the book for those couples who had been married for a few decades and now were not having sex much at all.
I did some research into what the most renowned sex therapists were recommending and extracted some interesting information that I thought would help these couples enormously. I have revised Chapter 23 in my book to include this input and have included an excerpt below from the New Chapter 23 to whet your appetite.
Enjoy.
Much love
Mandy
[Start of revised book extract]
Paul and Maria rushed off to the bar to get another round, “Okay, but don’t say anything till we get back,” said Maria, worried they might miss out on something.
“You can’t leave us hanging, what do we have to do?” exclaimed Tom. Alexia laughed. “Remember the marshmallows and delayed gratification? Well, if you didn’t invest the time in your courtship to learn how to connect to each other emotionally and intellectually in the beginning, a couple of years or decades later, your marriage will probably be in trouble.”
“However, there’s more to understand about the potential disconnect within a couple. Half the catch that nature has spun us is that when guy first meets girl and they are having daily wild sex he wonders, ‘What are all those grumpy old men on about frigid wives? Women are not so difficult to figure out. This girl is a nymph around me therefore, he reasons, I must be a sex God,’ Bang! He’s sucked into the delusion, that this is how sex is going to be until death us do part, and that he doesn’t need to do anything more to maintain the connection. At least until the first child is born… now he drinks from the same bowl as everyone else. You can imagine how confusing this must be for someone whose partner, who used to respond to their touch in an instant, suddenly starts actively avoiding or declining it. Whether she has given birth or just become super stressed by life it is common for a woman’s libido to wane.”
“But why?” whined Ben, “Why does this have to happen to us?” “Yeah, I’ll give you that, it is frustrating, isn’t it? For both of us.
Women end up feeling guilty that they are not taking care of their husbands needs and the husband often feels unloved, unworthy, unattractive, you name it. Mostly, the men are saying that they love their wives, love their wives’ bodies, no matter what the shape girls, and all they want to do is make love to them as often as possible. On the other hand, the women are saying that as much as they love their husbands, they would be happy if they never had sex again. Quite a conundrum. What’s missing?”
“What, what have we missed?” breathlessly Paul banged down the pitcher of beer sloshing the foam onto the table, and Maria handed Alexia her glass.
“You don’t wanna know bro, it’s not looking good for us, we’re looking at a pretty thirsty future,” Tom lamented.
“Now that they’re back, let’s talk about this disconnection,” Alexia clinked her glass against Maria’s. “All of us love intimacy in relationships. The problem is that men believe physical intimacy is all the intimacy you need to feel loved, and men often believe that if you are having regular sex then intimacy in the relationship is taken care of. If they are not getting laid enough, then they feel cut off from their wives and unloved. However, it is different for women, verbal and emotional intimacy is the foreplay we need before we can connect physically. We need someone who will listen without inter‐ rupting, without offering solutions, without checking their phone during the conversation. My gynecologist tells me that devices have stolen our intimacy, people are choosing to connect with their devices rather than each other and as a result very few people are having sex anymore. As much as men crave physical intimacy, women crave verbal intimacy and until they feel that emotional connection with their partner, it is not inviting for a woman to make love to her partner, horniness is right off her radar.”
“That just sounds like a lot of darn hard work Alexia.” Paul slid down his chair in mock exhaustion.
“You’re such a drama queen Paul, is it that difficult to have a conversation with a woman?” bristled Lilly.
“Oh, wow Lil’ you go girl!” Tessa slapped her on the back.
“You don’t know how to be emotionally intimate because nobody taught you or modelled it for you Paul,” said Alexia more gently, “It is a learned skill and not that difficult. Do yourself a favor find some books or podcasts on listening; they will revolutionize your relationships. We all think we know how to listen until we educate ourselves a little on the subject and then we realize how horribly bad we are. Some of the most important things to discuss with someone you are intimate with is the messaging they received growing up, what did they hear, see, or experience, regarding sex, or gender roles, or relationships? What are their expectations of a partner or parenting? These are all big questions that we often don’t get around to until we’re in the middle of a conflict and then the subject ends up being on the ‘sensitive subject list’ and never fully explored.”
“I’m taking notes in my head Alexia,” Keagan tapped his head, what else is important? I need all the help I can get. My messaging around sex was non-existent.”
“Instead of lovemaking being a goal-directed set of moves to take you to climax as soon as possible, I feel that people need to slow down and enjoy each other again instead of living in this mad rush. Connection is more about giving rather than receiving. How long does it take someone to realize that the sex portrayed on movies and porn is not the kind of sex that turns a woman on. I’m not sure if it turns men on because I’ve never been one, what I have gleaned from men though, is that they just want their lovers to be happy but find it difficult to establish the location of that elusive ‘G-spot’.
“Let’s observe this from another point of view; men, are more easily aroused, even a thought can stimulate desire, they arrive home hoping to get it on. But they’ve learned that coming home and saying, ‘You horny babe?’ is not going to lead to passion with abandon, so they know they need to play their cards right. They might arrive bearing gifts, flowers, chocolate, or takeout so they don’t have to cook, or give her a foot massage.
“All logic dictates that they should be right on point at this stage, but if the only time they do this stuff for her is when they feel horny, I’ve got some disappointing news about how the rest of the evening is going to go. I sense that sentence will cause some resistance in you men, but rest assured there is a way around the blockade, you are just going to need to be a little more creative than you have previ‐ ously thought.
“Women are different. While they go about their daily activities, they don’t feel any desire to have sex unless there has been enough connection, and foreplay to arouse them. Do you get that? It’s the opposite for men, aroused, horny, desire, foreplay, have sex, feel connected. For women it is connection first, foreplay, aroused, desire, have sex. Now I’m not talking about single twenty-something women, who are walking around just as ready to go as you men, that’s half the catch that nature has spun us, your experience thus far may be different but believe me when I tell you that this will change.”
“But wait Alexia,” Tom interjected, “Is physical foreplay the same for men and women, can we assume that what we feel when we are touched is the same as what a woman would feel?” “Sorry Tom, again women are different, different from you and different from each other. The only way to know what turns her on is….
[End of revised book extract]
Order a copy of the revised book from TakeAlot here.
