Has communication turned into a minefield, you never know when your foot will land in the wrong place?
Jane dragged John (names have been changed) reluctantly into my office, their relationship was, as far as he was concerned, beyond the rescue of any coaching intervention. They had been to therapy before and it did not go well, John felt “ganged up on”, like Jane was recruiting professional help to point out all his faults from a new angle. He felt that wherever he “put his foot” an explosion would result.
Their body language was grim, arms crossed, stoney faces, rigid postures. She was bristling with anger and he had shut down. To attempt to begin a dialogue in that state, where neither of them was feeling safe in the other’s presence, would have been futile at best and downright volatile at worst. There were too many “landmines” and not enough safe places.
Instead, I started teaching them about how their nervous systems were wired to react to stress in exactly the way they were currently showing up, blaming, shaming, attached to proving that they were right and how their partner was wrong. During coaching they learned tools to deal with the stress and another way to show up without self-sabotaging. Awareness of how you are wired enables you to manage your nervous system more effectively and to read the other person more accurately. From there they were able to find some commonality on how they were each drowning in their own stress chemicals and defence mechanisms. They set some boundaries, “rules of engagement” that would keep them feeling safer around each other and agreed on working on practicing regulating their bodies while under stress. Please note, these are skills you need to learn and take time to practice, they are not a magic tricks.
Months later, after following my program, Jane and John were sitting in my office facing unexpected health challenges and larger family issues than before, but now they were relaxed, playful with each other, and feeling supported during these new ordeals. Things about each other that used to trigger them, no longer bothered them. The situations were still scary, but they had each other’s backs, and they were practiced at staying calm and accessing their best thinking to solve any problems that arose. We can’t stop life from happening, but we can change the way we show up for each other while life is happening.
The Struggle for Reconnection
When someone comes to me for stress and burnout coaching, I often suggest inviting their partner to join. Many couples take up this offer, and I’m always amazed at how dramatically their relationship improves. As they work through my Ten-Steps from Burnout to Brilliance process, their nervous systems calm and regulate, enabling them to communicate more openly and safely. It’s common for couples to feel unsafe sharing their real thoughts and feelings because they don’t trust the other will respond with love or curiosity. Often, this fear is justified, when one partner has been overwhelmed by stress or burnout, they may have been responding with impatience, defensiveness, or distraction by devices. This creates a barrier that leaves both feeling isolated, disconnected, and unheard.
Why Stress Impacts Relationships
If a member of a family is chronically stressed or nearing burnout, they may be oblivious to the effect on those around them. Meanwhile, the rest of the family tiptoes on eggshells for months, careful not to “poke the bear.” It becomes harder for a partner to find the right time to voice their needs, and if previous attempts were met with any hint of hostility they will generally stop trying and eventually shutdown. Your relationship becomes a pattern of avoiding rather than connecting. This is no way to maintain a relationship meant to last “until death do us part.”
How Stress affects Your Body Language
When you’re stressed, your ability to connect, be playful, or truly listen to your partner diminishes in proportion to your agitation. For most women, connection is equal to foreplay, so if one or both of you is struggling to stay present and connect, then do you know what goes out the window? That’s right, your sex life. When you are stressed-out your body expresses that with stern facial features and sharp tones of voice that unwittingly sabotages your relationship. No matter how much your partner loves you, this body language pushes them away and makes closeness feel too uncomfortable to risk it.
How Couples Coaching Restores Connection
You don’t need to learn how to connect all over again, you already know how to light each other up, or you wouldn’t be together. The key to regaining your mojo lies in finding fun ways to shift your body from survival mode to playful and relaxed. When your body calms, your mind opens, and your emotional intelligence returns. Now you can show up as the superhero your partner remembers. This ability never left you; it just goes offline when your mind thinks you’re in danger all the time and you start taking yourself too seriously. Imagine if you could explore each other’s behaviour without feeling emotionally charged or overwhelmed, and instead listen with curiosity and discuss what you notice about the situation without making the other person wrong.
Benefits Beyond the Relationship
The “Ten-Steps from Burnout to Brilliance process” helps you understand how your bodies respond to stress so you can “read” each other without taking offense and support each other to regulate your nervous systems before trying to engage in meaningful conversations. It also helps uncover why you get triggered by work or home events and why your body perceives them as a threat. There are simple tools you can learn to free you from these triggers and help you show up calm and in control, even in the most turbulent situations.
Learning these skills as a couple accelerates your growth and connection, not to mention spicing up your sex-life, far more effectively than coaching on your own. Over time, practicing these skills develops resilience for the daily challenges life throws you, which means you can handle higher levels of stress before you snap or collapse.
The spin-off of this coaching is that strengthening your relationship at home and developing this resilience, can become the very foundation for success in your career, helping you climb the ladder or expand your business. Companies need people who can hold themselves together in the toughest situations.
Curious how this strategy could work for you? Contact me through my website www.coachingbymandy.com for a free 30-minute breakthrough call, or join the waitlist for my next free online workshop for couples.